And so there you have our first
night in the ballroom.
Now, the next night I went in,
things were just about the same.
Lots of people, lots of singing.
Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
Had a little drink about an hour ago
And it's gone right to my head
Wherever I may roam
On land or sea or far
You can always hear me
singing this song
Show me the way to go home
A friend of mine gave me ten little...
Oh, no, that's another song
Every time I hear that one
Oh, hey, bartender
Oh, it's you, back again, huh?
Why don't you have the band
play
my favorite song?
What is your favorite song?
I want a girl just like the girl
that married Richard Burton
Oh yeah, that's our favorite song too.
Oh no, I got that wrong.
Have them play
I Want a Girl Just Like the Girl
That Married Andrew Bates.
And just who is Andrew Bates?
He's a bachelor.
Old Andrew used to come
over to my house
and borrow my lantern
so he could go courting.
Lantern?
I never used a lantern.
I even proposed in the dark.
Look what you got.
She's not so bad.
Here's a picture of her.
Is that your wife?
That's her in the flesh.
Too bad she never had a better fitting.
Is that makeup she's wearing
or is her skin just naturally curly?
Now listen son,
you can't make fun
at my wife's expense.
It ain't her expense,
it's her expanse.
Forget about her size, look at her face.
Yeah, looks like her tonsils hollered fire
and her teeth tried to jump
out of her mouth.
Now wait a minute.
I bet she could eat corn off the cob
through a nothole.
Now listen shallow brain,
I'll have you know my
wife's ancestors
came over here on the Mayflower.
Is that right?
She must have been just a little bitty kid then.
Now, just a minute there,
tall, dark, and putrid.
I've taken just about enough of this.
I'll meet you outside
and we'll settle this thing once and for all.
You understand? I understand.
I'll be waiting outside.
And remember one thing,
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid either,
because I won't be there. ha, ha, ha.
Well, the bartender's gone.
Hey, everybody,
the drinks are on the house.
Let's have some more singing.