Do know what I find
just a little sinister on television?
It's that advert for a guided tour
around Sellafield
Nuclear Power Station.
Isn't that weird?
I mean, we all know
the nuclear industry
is famous for talking bollocks.
And other strange side effects.
You've got to listen!
But to encourage families
to walk round for the day
to prove that there's nothing wrong
is a strange concept, you know?
I mean, there's nothing wrong
with a microwave oven,
except you don't put your kids in it, do you?
I mean, they're promoting Sellafield
like it's Alton Towers.
You know,
take them for a spin in the reactor.
Buy them an ice cream,
but be careful of the meltdown.
And at lunchtime, they can go to the canteen,
where they can check out the cheese at the salad counter,
the lamb at the meat counter,
and the radiation at the Geiger counter.
And there's always a wonderful
display of vegetables.
It's the staff who have been
there
for more than ten years.
But probably the most disturbing
part of the day
is when you assemble
in the coach to go home
and they have to do a head
count.
I'm sticking to Alton Towers.
Then again, with all this leisure time,
people are looking for places to go
that are, well,
a bit different.
I mean, poor old Spain's
taking a hammering
because everyone's
going to America now.
And why not?
I mean, it's very exciting,
you know?
I mean, if you want to gamble,
you can go to New York for a week
and see if you can come back alive.
It has to be one of the most unfriendliest
places in the world.
I mean, you get mugged by Jehovah's Witnesses.
A hot -scene telephone call
from the Samaritans.
And if you want to find your way around,
you say, excuse me, could
you tell me the way to Times Square
or shall I piss off now?
The moment you arrive,
you're feeling uneasy.
Immigration gives you
the first clear what's in store,
because there are something like 24
immigration desks
at Kennedy Airport.
23 of them for US citizens
and one for everybody
else in the world.
I mean, the queues
stretch back to the runways.
You know, I mean, you have to keep
shuffling backwards and forwards
to make a gap for the jumbos to land.
When it finally comes to your turn,
well, you wish you were back
at the end of the queue
because the immigration procedure
is endless.
They have to check every
minute detail.
I mean, in the last 80 years,
they've only let 200 million people
into the country,
including Al Capone, Charles Manson
and Arnold Schwarzenegger. So, obviously,
they're pretty choosy.
And the immigration officers,
I mean, they look at you
as if you're something
that's just dropped out of
a dog's bottom.
Stick to the book.
Boy, do they stick to the book.
Even though it hasn't been updated
for, like, 40 years, you know.
Are you at this present time
or have you ever been
or do you intend to be at any stage
in the future? a communist?
Njet.
Have you met your person or persons
traveling with you anything
that would cause a nuclear explosion?
Well, we all had a curry
before we left here.
No sense of humor.
And when you get out of
the airport
you have to face the prospect
of a taxi journey into New York City.
And New York Taxes
are basically mobile skips
It's right and it's such a dangerous job
that not many people want to
know
in the cab companies will employ
just about anybody
I mean, I mean
I got into a cab once in New York
and the driver was blind
He got round by using the potholes in the road
as a form of rail
Get his Labrador sitting in the front one
box for left to box
Almost as dangerous are the restaurants.
I mean, you can go to somewhere
like, say, the Russian Tea Room
and die of shock from the bill.
Or you can stop at a junk food kiosk
where the hamburgers are so full
of chemicals
you need a prescription
to buy one.
And wherever you go,
food portions are enormous.
I mean, order a salad
and they bring you a market garden.
and there's so much lettuce you could
you could choke the entire
cast of watership down
and sandwiches are ridiculous
I mean they're like they're like they're
like a small bungalow and they have
they all have a giant
cocktail stick
skewered through the middle
so you can drive it up your nostril
and hold the sandwich steady
while you eat it no thank you do you know where the next
boom in tourism is coming from I'll tell or Russia.
Stands to reason,
with their newfound freedom,
it won't be long before the Russians start
to discover the delights of package holidays.
And you can bet your life
the Spanish will be waiting for them.
They'll change all the signs in the restaurant
to things like cabbage soup,
just like Mum makes.
Excursions like see Parma by
tractor.
In the bars,
they'll concoct new cocktails,
like turnip collarda,
or a slow Q against the wall.
And what will they make of Malibu?
They'll use it as a suntan lotion.
But the hotels will have to be careful,
because they're used to the ashtrays
and towels disappearing. But the
Russians will be taking home the wallpaper
What will Russians make of
holiday charter flights
sheer luxury to them
I mean when the air hostess
slings in the meal they begin
Wow
Where'd you start bread a whole roll
a whole year's supply of salt
In all those scented paper wipes
and be using them later on
as beach towels you
